Feeling Ugly

At the end of this journey, I'm planning to print this blog as a journal. So I'll throw in some of the emotional reality.

I started strong. I still feel strong. But the chemo is taking its toll physically and, let's be honest, the results are not attractive. All of you can tell me that I have a good head shape for bald, but ladies, actually imagine shaving your head BALD. No matter the shape, it's not  a good look. And wigs...look like wigs. And scarves and hats without hair coming out of the bottom just tell everyone that you are sick. Sad but true. And wigs with hats over them are like tiny heaters on your head! I have a lot of cute hats and scarves, but there's just no way around it.

Next up, weight. I read and was told that most women gain weight during chemo. There are various reasons. It screws with your hormones, your mouth always tastes weird so you snack to cover up the taste, the meds given to help with nausea cause weight gain, then there are the steroids. And I wasn't going into this at my thinnest. My abdomen just feels bloated and huge.

I went to the store tonight and caught a glimpse of myself. I seriously looked like a clown. Oh, that could have also had a little something to do with the fact that I tried to draw on eyebrows for the first time today. Ugh. Wig, make-up issues, weight issues, and overall just not feeling normal. 

I'm trying to take the "make the best of it because there's nothing you can do about it" approach. Some days I just need to do a little more self convincing.

My 2 year old has his opinions too. If I wear a wig, he tells me to put it back in the box and get a hat! He's so cute. And he likes to put on my hats too.