My First Hat

Black Friday Weekend. I went shopping with my sister, just for fun. But I ended up thinking about the comfy clothes and necessities I'll need in a few weeks. And what better time to make a few purchases! I actually bought my first hat! 

Cute, right! The problem is that I'm SO not a hat person. They are cute on other people, but they drive me crazy. I cannot stand to have anything on my head! This should be a fun experience. At least it's a temporary problem. I'm sure Utah winter might be a little chilly for a bald head. Although, my husband seems to do ok 😉

I also might have gotten some attractive sweatpants.... 

Getaway!

Next week I've got more appointments and tests and scans and might be starting chemo. So, this might be my last "normal" weekend for a long time. My very sweet cousin and his awesome wife wanted to do something but live far away. They surprised us with a little trip overnight to SLC. Something doable, but still getting away. It was wonderful! Jim and I haven't been away together in probably 8 years. Sad but true. We went to movies and dinner and stayed in a fun room and had treats. We went to Temple Square and saw the lights and walked around City Creek. 

And the best thing is that we really had a great time together. You know how life just takes over your relationship sometimes. I'm really going to need his support and closeness. It's going to be rough physically and emotionally. I'm SO thankful for the chance to have this weekend with him.

I'm also SO grateful for my sisters and their willingness to stay with my kids. That's not easy when you have kids of your own to take care of. I had others offer to help as well. 

All of the offers for help and support in so many different ways makes such a big difference. I wonder what women do when they have to go through this, especially with little kids at home, without the support system. I am truly blessed.

Chemo Port Day

This morning my surgeon placed a chemo port. The port itself is a little bigger than I expected it to be. Oh well. No biggie. 

It was a small surgical procedure and they did have to sedate me. I don't remember a thing but I am pretty tired and pretty sore. The best thing is that I didn't even get sick!!

We are still waiting for the insurance to do a pre-authorization for my PET scan. Maybe I will get that next week. 

For now, I think I'll rest. Hopefully whatever they used to sedate me will be completely out of my system soon.

Visit with My Oncologist

Today I met my oncologist. He seems wonderful and his PA was great too. I expect doctor appts to be like 30 mins. But I was there about 2 hours again. I'm already feeling terrible about the time away from my kids. Yikes! It's just the beginning. Anyway, today they agreed that chemo should be first. They want to start next week. But a few things need to happen first.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my surgeon to have a chemo port placed. I'm SO not looking forward to that, but I've been told that patients that have them are very grateful they do. Basically it's a little device they place under my skin and connect to a big vein behind my heart. Then anytime I need chemo or meds or blood draws, they do it through the port. That way I'm not being poked constantly and it saves my veins from being damaged by the chemo. They'll sedated me for the port placement but I won't be "out". 

Next up, a PET scan. Of course they need to get a pre-authorization from my insurance and I hope they get it quickly. This is where they inject a dye that will light up any cancer cells in my body. Then they basically do a head to toe scan looking for any cancer that could have spread. The results of this scan will determine what kind of chemo they'll do.

If the cancer has not moved beyond the lymph nodes in my armpit (fingers crossed!) they'll go after this very aggressively. I'm young enough and healthy enough to take a tough hit. If they can do that, they are going for CURE! However, if the PET scan shows that it has spread beyond the lymph nodes, they'll have to take another approach. I guess at that point it is more of a "control the beast" situation. But we won't know until my insurance gives the official ok and they schedule it. My doctor wants to meet with me the day of the scan (about 2 hours later when it's read). Then he'll have a plan.

I have to get a heart echo to make sure my heart is healthy and strong enough. I guess I'll be getting these every couple of months. Then I start the chemo. And then my hair will be gone in like 2 weeks, just in time for Christmas.🎄

Oh and I'm in another clinical trial. This time is a bigger one. I'll be one of 6 at Huntsman and many others will be tested across the country and world. In the last year they have been able to use an antibody to fight the specific type I have (her2+). In the past, it was really bad news to have this type because they really couldn't treat it. Typically they give patients 4 treatments of this antibody and have seen remarkable results. Now they are hoping to see if there is a benefit to receiving the antibody for a full year, instead of 4 treatments. To do this trial I'll have a little extra monitoring and I'll have to go to the main Huntsman campus every time. But, I feel like I may end up better off in the end if this new antibody really is as remarkable as they seem to think it will be.

Thanks Dr. Winkler

This is my favorite doctor this week. She seriously went WAY beyond what she needed to do to help me. Even my surgeon made sure I knew that she really worked hard and went to bat for me to get me appointments faster than they were available. She was just wonderful to work with.  She called me personally to give me results and make sure I didn't have concerns. And I guess she personally made calls and pushed for appointments that would have taken me weeks to get. Now I'm only waiting a few days. So grateful for compassionate medical professionals.

Change of Plans?

Wow, this is a lot of change for someone that likes to have things planned in advance. I had my surgery scheduled, help with kids coming (thanks Andrea), and I was ready to get this going! After my visit with my surgeons today, it looks like we may be changing plans. Because the lymph nodes were positive for cancer, they feel like it might be best to start with chemo. For 3 reasons (that I remember)-

#1 The chemo may not work as well, or might be harder, if I'm recovering from surgery.

#2 If the cancer did get out through the lymph system, they would want to get the chemo in ASAP and start killing the cancer. We wouldn't want it spreading away while I'm getting surgery and healing.

#3 If they can shrink the tumor in the breast before surgery, they have a better chance of getting ALL of it out with surgery. That's a good surgical goal.

My surgeon said he could put in the chemo port this Tuesday. I'm going to wait until after my appointment with my medical oncologist Monday afternoon to decide for sure. I also asked to start the chemo after Thanksgiving weekend. I'd like to be healthy on Thanksgiving to spend time with family. 

Then Jim and I have been given the gift of an overnight stay away from kids. Hopefully the kids will be nice at home. We haven't gotten away together in several years! 

Lots of food with family then a short, fun getaway with my husband before the yucky part starts.

Oh, I also saw my plastic surgeon. This may be TMI for some of you. I just have to say that I'm SO glad that reconstruction has become a normal part of the process. For me a double mastectomy may be a bit psychologically devastating. Maybe my vanity is showing here, but I want to look like a woman. I know that for many women, they are fine without the reconstruction. This is just a personal choice for me. I'll spare you the details of my reconstruction plan. I'll just say that I'm thankful there are plastic surgeons that specialize in post-mastectomy reconstruction.

Pink Reminders

I haven't cried very much through this situation. Throughout my life I've learned to hold it in and just move on. But my sweet sister's gift got me tonight. Not her intent to make me cry, but I am SO thankful for my family and their support! 

I've receieved cards and flowers and texts and visits and phone calls, just so many reminders that I have a strong support group there for me. That's what's keeping me strong.

Lymph Node Biopsy Results

Well crap. Or maybe it's good news. Depends how I look at it I guess. 

The radiologist at Hunstman called me today to say that my biopsy results were back. Remember last Friday when they did another ultrasound to check lymph nodes and said there were some that were suspicious? Well, they were right. Cancer IS in the lymph nodes. The imaging center at Central Utah Clinic hadn't been able to find it. Again, I'm so glad I went with a specialized team at Huntsman.

What does this mean? I'm not entirely sure. Since it's in the nodes, it could have traveled through the lymph system to another part of my body. Or maybe not. It does mean that I'll need to see a medical oncologist before my surgery. I have an appt on Monday afternoon. Then the oncologist and surgeons can give me all of the options and decide what to do. It means I might have to have chemo before they do surgery. I may do a PET scan to see if it's spread. 

Oh man. This is just a lot to take in and process. But I'm fine. Really it shouldn't change treatment or plans that much.There's just a worry that it could have spread. I hope they can do a PET scan soon!

Now back to regular life of helping with homework, cleaning up a mess, and making dinner. 😊

Surgery Date Scheduled

I received a few calls from Huntsman today. First their psychiatrist's office. They'll make sure I don't go crazy with the hormone therapy I'll have to get. I'll see the psychiatrist the first week of December.

Then my surgeon called. He, himself, actually called to see if I had any questions or concerns. I didn't hear the phone so he left a message and his cell number. He seriously seems so nice!

Then his nurse called me later in the afternoon to let me know that she had my surgery scheduled. I'll be going in on Friday, December 5th. I think I only have to stay over one night. Of course things could change after I meet with my surgeons this Friday. But that's the plan for now.

First Clinical Trial

You know how Huntsman is a research institute? I was asked to be in a clinic trial on my very first visit! I don't know why, but I like doing things like that. I'm weird.

Here was my big experiment. They are testing to see if a small gauge needle can do just as well as a large gauge needle for biopsies. So I got to have 2 sets of lymph node biopsies! Yay! Now they test the quality of each. If the small needle's sample is just as good, they can start using it! If you need a biopsy in the future and get a small needle, you're welcome. 

My First Day at Huntsman

Today was kind of a mess. I was told to go to Daybreak and given that address. I got there to find out that I was supposed to be at the main Huntsman hospital. So I rush up there and meet with the surgeon for just a minute. He seemed very nice and easy to work with. BUT my doctor's office in Provo hadn't sent my MRI or latest ultrasound. So I had to wait for results. The MRI finally came through at 1:15, over 4 hours after my appt time.

We had taken a break for lunch and ate at The Pie, of course. Once the radiologist read the results she decided to do another ultrasound. This time she DID find a few lymph nodes that look questionable. So they did a biopsy of the nodes. This is EXACTLY why I chose Huntsman. They found what others missed and we are only at the beginning. 

By this time my surgeon was in surgery and couldn't meet with me. His nurse sat down with us (Jim was with me) to give me the info they had. Here are the results, for those that speak cancer.

Invasive ductal carcinoma

Grade 2 tumor

ER+

PR-

Her+

Best guess on staging is either stage 2 or 3, but that will depend upon the lymph node biopsy results. Actually, they may not know the real stage until the pathology report is back after my surgery.

So what does this really mean? It means that pretty much my whole left breast is cancer. Nothing in the right and nothing in the chest wall, which is great news. I will have to have at least a mastectomy on the left, but really I'm leaning toward a double mastectomy. I do NOT want to go through this again!

I meet with my surgeon next Friday morning, immediately followed by an appt with the plastic surgeon. If they are both on surgical rotation the following week, I'll have my surgery Thanksgiving week. But they both have to be there. So I guess I'll find out next week.

After surgery I will need to have chemo. Not looking forward to having a bald head, I'm not going to lie. Kind of vain that way I guess. I don't know that my head shape is a good one for no hair. I guess we'll see.

I'm still feeling pretty positive. I know there are rough days ahead. But I kind of feel like my whole life has been full of hard things to get through and this is just kind of the next trial on the list. I'll plow through and deal, just like I have with everything else. We all have our trials, right?

In the meantime, I've been given a binder of fun things to read...

I have to say that I am really impressed with Huntsman. The medical staff was wonderful and I felt safe and like I was in competent hands. I'm so blessed to have access to this great cancer hospital.

 

My Last Night in Ignorant Bliss/Agonizing Need for Answers

This morning I got a call from my regular doctor's office.  The nurse had the results from the ultrasound I had done yesterday.  NO sign of cancer in the lymph nodes!!  YAY!!  But she didn't have the MRI results, or at least didn't give them to me.

It snowed today and it's a bit icy out there.  I'm a little worried for our drive up tomorrow.  I need to get Gavin to school and then Jace to my sister's house before driving through morning traffic.  I'm already so anxious that I can hardly stand it.  I honestly have no idea what to expect the doctor to tell me.  I won't be surprised if he says it's stage 1 and has been caught very early and won't need as much treatment.  I also won't be surprised if he says it's stage 3 and that I'll be doing all kinds of treatment.  As long as he doesn't say stage 4, please don't say stage 4!

Jim is coming up with me and my aunt is meeting us there.  At least I'll have some support for whatever the results tell me.  Now let's hope I can get some sleep tonight.

I Survived The MRI!

I made it! Today was imaging day. After making sure I had a nice clean shave, I went for my armpit ultrasound. Found some nice lymph nodes. Then on to the dreaded MRI. I was getting light headed when I was waiting. Too nervous I guess. And then I surprised with an IV, not cool. When I finally entered the MRI room, I tried not to look at the actual machine. I didn't want to focus on the tunnel. I had to lay face down on the moving table. I just put my face in the massage table type thing and pretended I wasn't in a tunnel. Luckily it was only 18 mins instead of the usual 45. But when I came out of the machine, I felt nauseous. I don't know if it was the anxiety, the dye they injected, or the magnets. I really don't do well with medical things. EVERYTHING seems to make me sick. That's not going to be good.

Tests Are Scheduled

Ok, Wednesday at 4:00 I'm getting an ultrasound of my left armpit (I better shave well that day) to look at the lymph nodes. I guess part of giving the cancer a stage is seeing if it's gotten to certain lymph nodes.

After my fun armpit ultrasound, I'll be heading to my worst nightmare (well, one of them), the MRI machine! Oh I hate them. And I can't take Valium because it doesn't mix well with other medication I take. So, I'll be having a long panic attack while stuck in a tiny tube. 

I'll have this done in Provo, then they'll send all of the images to Huntsman. That will allow my surgeon to have most of the information he'll need to determine the stage and hopefully give me a treatment plan. I'm really hoping to have answers when I leave his office Friday morning. 

Thankful for Priesthood Blessings

I just can't say how grateful I am that my husband and my dad are worthy priesthood holders. This is a huge blessing that not everyone has. I can't begin to describe the comfort I have in facing this challenge because of it. 

My dad and husband gave me a blessing tonight. To hear the words of comfort and healing in my blessing brought me a lot of peace. I have hope that all will be well. I am surrounded by family, friends, neighbors, and ward members that all offer support, love, and prayers. I have an excellent cancer center available with specialists that are very successful in treating this disease. I have so much to thank my Heavenly Father for. 

Just before this trail began, a path was opened for us to make it. It's very clear to me that my Heavenly Father does know me and that He did open a door to allow me to get through the trial. I've been blessed by the work and generosity of others. 

This is going to be a rough road. Probably harder than I realize. But I know I will be stronger for it. I know this trail is for my good and that I'll learn and grow. Now it's time to keep a positive attitude!

Paranoia

I'm totally that person that watches Dr Oz and then thinks every inch of the house is contaminated. And in this age of Internet, it's hard not to go directly to Google with symptoms or a diagnosis. But that's my brain. Obsessed with reading everything I find on breast cancer. I'm making plans without any foundation for those plans. (P.S. I really hope I'm eligible for DIEP. Isn't that every woman's secret wish? Move the fat from where they don't want it to where they do want it.)

When someone receives a cancer diagnosis, they should be hustled in for immediate tests! Waiting 2+ weeks for answers is just torturing an already tortured person. 

But here is the horrible train of thought I've been stuck on today. And if you are a panicking family member, stop reading here. 

Over the last year, I've been really tired. I mean, REALLY tired. I am not a nap person and I've been taking naps. Long ones and almost every day. I've had a feeling like I can't breathe and like something like a wet towel is laying in my chest. I've seen my doctor 3 times and it's always been anxiety. And that IS how anxiety feels. And because I've had actual panic attacks, I have just been brushing off this very real sensation in my chest as anxiety. To lay in bed on my back, I feel like I can't breathe well. That heavy wet towel feeling. But for a year I've been dismissing it. And maybe it IS anxiety. 

I've had my thyroid tested to see if that's why I'm so tired - perfectly normal. I've tried to exercise to see if it would help with energy, but it's ridiculous how low my energy is. And when I exercise very hard, I feel a tightness in my chest. Super out of shape was the obvious conclusion. 

But now that I've been told that cancer was found in my body my mind is thinking "what if all of these anxiety symptoms over the last year have really been cancer!" What if it has spread to my chest wall or lungs? Maybe that's why it feels like something heavy is laying on my chest, why I can't breathe well. Maybe the ugly little cancer cells are sucking up my energy or maybe my body has been using all of the energy I have to fight the cancer cells. Maybe that's why I'm tired. 

And my mind can do this all day and all night. Again, there should be some rule that if you receive a cancer diagnosis you should receive tests and answers within 24 hrs. Otherwise they may end up dealing with a crazy cancer person. 

Setting Things Up

Insurance. Cancer resource specialists. Schedulers. Did they fax my records yet? Is that the best doctor? Is that appointment soon enough? Who wants to watch a 2 year old??

The shock is wearing off a bit. But it still isn't real because I still feel like I did 2 weeks ago. How do you have cancer and feel normal? I hope the answer is "because you caught it early enough." 

I have my first appointment with a breast cancer specialist, with Huntsman Cancer Institute, next Friday morning. That was the first available appointment with any of their doctors at any of their facilities. Now I get to spend the next full week wondering and worrying and trying to enjoy my last week of normal life. Can you enjoy normal life in this state of mind? We'll see.

And has anyone heard of Dr. McGreevy? 

I have boxes of grapes that need to be juiced and tomatoes and tomatillos to bottle. I have time now but my mind to just so full of thoughts that I can't focus. I can't stop thinking through things.

I had a harder day today. It's because I'm worried about my kids. They need their mom constantly, right? I'm that mom that never leaves the kids. Never. I miss them if I spend one day away from them. I'm worried about how the change is going to affect them. My poor 2 year old. He doesn't like babysitters. He needs mom. He's going to have a really hard time. My 7 year old already seems overly emotional and I worry about how he's going to take the added stress. My 16 year old may act like he doesn't need mom, but he does. Jim's going to be under extra stress and in a house with 3 boys that are also under extra stress and need compassion and frankly some slack because of what's going on. I'm already worrying about all of this. 

I just want more info and I don't want to wait a week! I want to know how big it is, what stage it is, if it has spread, what treatment this type of cancer will need, how long I might be in the hospital for surgery and when. It's driving me nuts! I need an off switch for my brain.

Support and Questions

I've been overwhelmed by the love, concern, and support I've received from family and friends. You can't believe how much it helps! I really know I'm not alone in this. 

Now is the treatment search and dealing with insurance. I really want to go to Huntsman. I don't really want to drive to SLC, but it would be worth it. It's just a waiting game. I'm waiting for a cancer nurse with my insurance to call me back and make sure I can go to Huntsman. I'm also waiting for someone at Huntsman to call me back to see how quickly I can get in. I hate waiting! I just need to know. I need a plan. 

Right now I have an appt with the cancer center at UVRMC for next Tuesday afternoon. I hope I can get an appt at Huntsman before that. When I know, you'll know.

Telling the Kids

As soon as my older boys came home from school, I sat them down to tell them about the cancer. It was hard. I thought I could do it without crying. But I cried a little. I told them that this is a common cancer and that there are a lot of advancements in treatment. I told them that my doctor expected me to be just fine. They seemed sad but ok. My 7 year old put a bucket over his head because he was trying not to cry. As soon as our talk was over, then went right back to normal. That's good. I just hope that they'll get the support that they are going to need.

I wanted them to know. It's much easier for me if people know. They needed to know that things are going to be a little different around here. I'll have to have surgery. I may need radiation and/or chemo and that's going to make me really tired. I'm going to need more help from them around the house and with their little brother. The mom part of me feels bad that they have to take up some of my slack. But it'll be good for them, right?

The Results

This morning at 8:42, I received a call from my doctor's office.  The nurse let me know that my biopsy results were back and that my doctor was right there and wanted to speak with me.  I immediately knew what that meant.  The doctor doesn't need to speak with you if it's a cyst or a fibroid.  And he confirmed what I knew, it is breast cancer.

I was calm.  I was ready to hear it somehow.  I listened as he told me that breast cancer is very treatable and that from the limited information he had, it looked like we were catching it early.  He said that he hated giving me this news, but he really believed that we caught it early and reassured me that he believed I would be just fine.  My brain was kind of numb.  I have a million questions, but I know that they are really for an oncologist, not my family practice doctor.  

My main concern was getting this going quickly.  I know how important time is with cancer treatment.  My doctor said that he would have his nurses call the oncologists and see how quickly I could get in.  I'm waiting for them to contact me about that now.  

I got off the phone with the doctor and then talked to Jim.  He's been very helpful and supportive and wants to make sure he's doing what he can.  I HATE putting more stress on him.  He seriously works his butt off for our family already.  He's working 2 jobs and is gone almost 14 hours a day.  And now to add this to him just kills me.  The emotional and financial stress.  

I let myself cry for a few minutes but quickly got myself together.  I have my 2 year old here and I need to keep going with the day.  But there are so many concerns.

1. How am I going to tell my kids?!
2. How am I going to tell my family?
3. How are we going to pay for this?
4. How am I going to take care of a very, very busy 2 year old while going through cancer treatment?  
5. What is that treatment going to be like?
6. Is all of my hair going to fall out? 
7. What if the cancer has spread!!

My entire life has been one trial after another it seems.  If you know me well, you know the many trials I've faced.  I've dealt with it. I've tried to put on a brave face and keep going, especially for those around me.  

The one thing that I take great comfort in at this time is that fact that I have a Heavenly Father that knows me and loves me.  I am in his hands.  I have to trust him.  I don't feel like "why me?". I know there's a reason for the trials in this life.  I know what this life is for and why we are here.  I also know what's going to happen after this life.  I know what's important and what isn't.  I have to keep my focus on what's important.  I need to pray and be close to my Heavenly Father.  I know that I can find comfort.  I am so very thankful that my husband holds the priesthood and that I can receive blessings.  I absolutely have faith in priesthood blessings and in miracles.  I'm going to be just fine.

Getting the Mammogram

I'm 41 years old and my regular doctor suggested that it was time for a routine mammogram.  I'm all for prevention, so I made an appointment and went in on Monday, October 27th.  I've heard terrible things about mammograms, but it really isn't that bad...unless they find something.

The tech told me to wait in the room while she had the radiologist look at the scans.  He sent her back to get several more images.  What was taking like 5 mins for all of the other ladies going in and out of the room took almost 45 minutes for me!  It was a little embarrassing coming out of the room and seeing the pile up of ladies waiting.

They told me not to get dressed because the radiologist found 3 masses that needed to be looked at in more detail.  I was sent to ultrasound.  I had to sit there waiting and wondering for another 45 mins before they were able to get me in.  She again took a lot of pictures and then left to talk with the radiologist. Before she left, she said that either he would give her information to pass on to me or he would be in to talk to me himself.  Well, I knew what that meant.  If it was good news, she'd be back to say it looked fine and I could leave.  If he appeared, I knew there was trouble.  About 10 mins later she came through the door, followed by the radiologist.  He seemed very serious and told me that the 3 masses in my left breast seemed very concerning.  He said that if they had nice smooth edges they wouldn't worry.  But mine had jagged edges.  He said I needed to be back for a biopsy as soon as they could get me in.

They scheduled my biopsy for that Thursday, October 30th.  I was so nervous.  When I went home I really had to keep myself from crying in front of the kids.  When Jim came home between jobs for dinner, he realized something was wrong and took me into the other room to find out.  I told him what they had found, but said that I didn't want the information going any further until I had more information.  I didn't need my family panicking if it turned out to be nothing.  And there was a good chance that it was going to be nothing.  I have cysts on my kidneys and ovaries.  I have had fibroids.  It could be something like that again, right?

That's right, a pre-biopsy selfie!

I went in that Thursday for the biopsy.  Not fun, but not horrible.  The radiologist used the ultrasound to accurately place the biopsy needle and collect samples from the large lump that I can actually feel easily.  He told me to expect an MRI as the next step, but that they wanted to see the results from pathology before ordering that.  At that moment I wasn't sure if I was more afraid that I had breast cancer or that I was going to have to have an MRI! I'm terrified of MRIs.  I told them they'd have to sedate me because I honestly can't handle them.  Anyway, they gave me an ice pack and told me that it could take 3-5 working days to get my results back from pathology.  Great.  But they said to call my doctor on Monday afternoon because it might be back by then.

So, I went back to my normal life.  It was Halloween after all.  There were costumes and the school parade and class party and trick or treating.  Then the garden needed to be pulled that Saturday because it was going to snow. I was going to keep busy and try to focus on the normalcy of things.  I kept thinking that this could be the last weekend that my life was going to be normal.  If they were going to tell me that I had breast cancer, life as I knew it was over.  I tried to enjoy the ignorance for the last time.

Monday morning, November 3rd, the anxiety started.  It progressively got worse throughout the day.  I knew that I could be getting "the call" at any time.  It was just after noon and I couldn't stand it.  I called the office, but got the voice mail.  I left a message, but didn't hear back.  I called again about 4:15 and got a nurse.  She said that they had received paperwork about the imaging and biopsy and a recommendation for the MRI, but no pathology results.  She said that she was going to track down my pathology report from the lab and that she would call me back.  She said she would be there until 6:00 and would probably call after 5:00.  When it hit 5:00, my anxiety was SO high!  I could feel my heart beating in my chest.  My chest was so tight.  I felt like it was going to explode.  I feel horrible, but I had no patience with the kids.  I needed quiet.  I needed the craziness I was feeling to die down.  But I have 3 active boys and they don't stop moving or making noise.  It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears.  And then 6:00 came and went.  No phone call.  I assume that's because the lab didn't have my results.  I had been told probably Tuesday or Wednesday realistically.  My anxiety actually went down a bit after 6:00 because I was no longer waiting for the phone to ring.

Now it's almost time for bed and I'm wiped out, physically and emotionally.  I have so many things on my mind.  Potential cancer, Jim working himself to death in 2 jobs, me potentially added an enormous amount of medical debt that we just absolutely cannot afford.  Will I be able to get quality care if I can't afford it?  What can I do?   My mom died from cancer when I was in kindergarten.  It was a hard, hard life. My greatest fear in this world is dying and leaving my children to grow up without a mom.  And my greatest fear is now staring me right in the face.