The tech told me to wait in the room while she had the radiologist look at the scans. He sent her back to get several more images. What was taking like 5 mins for all of the other ladies going in and out of the room took almost 45 minutes for me! It was a little embarrassing coming out of the room and seeing the pile up of ladies waiting.
They told me not to get dressed because the radiologist found 3 masses that needed to be looked at in more detail. I was sent to ultrasound. I had to sit there waiting and wondering for another 45 mins before they were able to get me in. She again took a lot of pictures and then left to talk with the radiologist. Before she left, she said that either he would give her information to pass on to me or he would be in to talk to me himself. Well, I knew what that meant. If it was good news, she'd be back to say it looked fine and I could leave. If he appeared, I knew there was trouble. About 10 mins later she came through the door, followed by the radiologist. He seemed very serious and told me that the 3 masses in my left breast seemed very concerning. He said that if they had nice smooth edges they wouldn't worry. But mine had jagged edges. He said I needed to be back for a biopsy as soon as they could get me in.
They scheduled my biopsy for that Thursday, October 30th. I was so nervous. When I went home I really had to keep myself from crying in front of the kids. When Jim came home between jobs for dinner, he realized something was wrong and took me into the other room to find out. I told him what they had found, but said that I didn't want the information going any further until I had more information. I didn't need my family panicking if it turned out to be nothing. And there was a good chance that it was going to be nothing. I have cysts on my kidneys and ovaries. I have had fibroids. It could be something like that again, right?
 |
| That's right, a pre-biopsy selfie! |
I went in that Thursday for the biopsy. Not fun, but not horrible. The radiologist used the ultrasound to accurately place the biopsy needle and collect samples from the large lump that I can actually feel easily. He told me to expect an MRI as the next step, but that they wanted to see the results from pathology before ordering that. At that moment I wasn't sure if I was more afraid that I had breast cancer or that I was going to have to have an MRI! I'm terrified of MRIs. I told them they'd have to sedate me because I honestly can't handle them. Anyway, they gave me an ice pack and told me that it could take 3-5 working days to get my results back from pathology. Great. But they said to call my doctor on Monday afternoon because it might be back by then.
So, I went back to my normal life. It was Halloween after all. There were costumes and the school parade and class party and trick or treating. Then the garden needed to be pulled that Saturday because it was going to snow. I was going to keep busy and try to focus on the normalcy of things. I kept thinking that this could be the last weekend that my life was going to be normal. If they were going to tell me that I had breast cancer, life as I knew it was over. I tried to enjoy the ignorance for the last time.
Monday morning, November 3rd, the anxiety started. It progressively got worse throughout the day. I knew that I could be getting "the call" at any time. It was just after noon and I couldn't stand it. I called the office, but got the voice mail. I left a message, but didn't hear back. I called again about 4:15 and got a nurse. She said that they had received paperwork about the imaging and biopsy and a recommendation for the MRI, but no pathology results. She said that she was going to track down my pathology report from the lab and that she would call me back. She said she would be there until 6:00 and would probably call after 5:00. When it hit 5:00, my anxiety was SO high! I could feel my heart beating in my chest. My chest was so tight. I felt like it was going to explode. I feel horrible, but I had no patience with the kids. I needed quiet. I needed the craziness I was feeling to die down. But I have 3 active boys and they don't stop moving or making noise. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. And then 6:00 came and went. No phone call. I assume that's because the lab didn't have my results. I had been told probably Tuesday or Wednesday realistically. My anxiety actually went down a bit after 6:00 because I was no longer waiting for the phone to ring.
Now it's almost time for bed and I'm wiped out, physically and emotionally. I have so many things on my mind. Potential cancer, Jim working himself to death in 2 jobs, me potentially added an enormous amount of medical debt that we just absolutely cannot afford. Will I be able to get quality care if I can't afford it? What can I do? My mom died from cancer when I was in kindergarten. It was a hard, hard life. My greatest fear in this world is dying and leaving my children to grow up without a mom. And my greatest fear is now staring me right in the face.
So sorry to hear about all this Jennifer. You are TOUGH and in our prayers.
ReplyDelete