Paranoia

I'm totally that person that watches Dr Oz and then thinks every inch of the house is contaminated. And in this age of Internet, it's hard not to go directly to Google with symptoms or a diagnosis. But that's my brain. Obsessed with reading everything I find on breast cancer. I'm making plans without any foundation for those plans. (P.S. I really hope I'm eligible for DIEP. Isn't that every woman's secret wish? Move the fat from where they don't want it to where they do want it.)

When someone receives a cancer diagnosis, they should be hustled in for immediate tests! Waiting 2+ weeks for answers is just torturing an already tortured person. 

But here is the horrible train of thought I've been stuck on today. And if you are a panicking family member, stop reading here. 

Over the last year, I've been really tired. I mean, REALLY tired. I am not a nap person and I've been taking naps. Long ones and almost every day. I've had a feeling like I can't breathe and like something like a wet towel is laying in my chest. I've seen my doctor 3 times and it's always been anxiety. And that IS how anxiety feels. And because I've had actual panic attacks, I have just been brushing off this very real sensation in my chest as anxiety. To lay in bed on my back, I feel like I can't breathe well. That heavy wet towel feeling. But for a year I've been dismissing it. And maybe it IS anxiety. 

I've had my thyroid tested to see if that's why I'm so tired - perfectly normal. I've tried to exercise to see if it would help with energy, but it's ridiculous how low my energy is. And when I exercise very hard, I feel a tightness in my chest. Super out of shape was the obvious conclusion. 

But now that I've been told that cancer was found in my body my mind is thinking "what if all of these anxiety symptoms over the last year have really been cancer!" What if it has spread to my chest wall or lungs? Maybe that's why it feels like something heavy is laying on my chest, why I can't breathe well. Maybe the ugly little cancer cells are sucking up my energy or maybe my body has been using all of the energy I have to fight the cancer cells. Maybe that's why I'm tired. 

And my mind can do this all day and all night. Again, there should be some rule that if you receive a cancer diagnosis you should receive tests and answers within 24 hrs. Otherwise they may end up dealing with a crazy cancer person.